auditioning for mating
by PuzzledHats
Summary: Felicity goes on a series of bad dates and can't help but share them with Team Arrow.


**"In its purest form, dating is auditioning for mating (and auditioning means we may or may not get the part)." ~ Joy Browne**

* * *

Felicity knows a dead end when she sees one.

Oliver has made his choice, he wants to try to make things work with Sara. She's happy for them; happy that their bond and time together on the island means they have someone to turn to with their demons. No use dwelling on the '_might-have-beens_' that had begun to plague her every encounter with Oliver.

So she does what any self-respecting woman her age would do and joins several dating sites. Nothing like moving on to combat unrequited love! It takes half a bottle of wine and some serious imagination, but she manages to cobble together a pretty decent profile, helped by the pictures Sara had insisted on taking during their weekly girl's only pizza night.

Her first date is with Dale, who ends the night by full on licking her face, "excuse me while I wipe away the slobber," instead of the kiss Felicity had been expecting.

Diggle flat out refuses to believe her when she tells them the story. Sara laughs, Oliver is confused, and Roy wonders what the guy's endgame was.

"I don't know," Felicity says with an exaggerated shrug as she swivels back around in her chair to her computer screens. "Nor will I ever know. Because, yeah, no, nope. I won't be going on another date with Dale."

Next up is Evan, who leans in ten minutes into their first meal to ask what she thinks about leather.

"Maybe he wanted to know your stance about animal cruelty," Dig suggests, correcting Roy's form as Sara watches them.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Felicity says, coming to stand next to Sara. "So of course I go on a mini-ramble about that summer I spent on a farm and how it actually made me stop being a vegetarian."

"You spent a summer on a farm?" Oliver asks, coming up to stand beside her as Diggle attacks Roy.

"Yeah," Felicity goes on, waving aside the question. "But when I was done all he said was, 'So, you like leather then?'"

"You know, leather fetishes aren't that crazy," Roy offers, barely ducking away from Diggle's punch.

"In fact, they can be pretty fun," Sara says in a tone that leaves no doubt as to her own personal preference and has Oliver blushing profusely.

"Sure, right, whatever," Felicity says, because getting into Oliver and Sara's sex life isn't really on her agenda at the moment. "But do you bring it up within the first ten minutes of your first date?"

"Yeah, probably best to let that one go," Dig says, stepping forward into a practiced move that sends Roy sprawling to the floor.

"I'm still stuck on you spending a summer on a farm," Oliver says and Felicity rolls her eyes, because the story really isn't that interesting.

Then comes Luke, who falls asleep shortly after they order their drinks, not even bothering to apologize when she wakes him.

"I know I tend to ramble a little," Felicity says.

"A little?" Roy questions with a quirk of his brow.

"Okay, a lot," Felicity concedes. "But I didn't know I was boring too."

"Felicity," Oliver says, grabbing her arm so she'll look up at him. "Boring is the _last_ word I would use to describe your ramblings."

"Agreed," Sara says with a pat on her back. "Forget Luke. He sounds awful."

Tony makes it to date number two, but quickly loses all points as he goes into explicit detail about the proper technique of feeding his pet boa constrictor live mice. Paul goes into a lengthy rant about the sanctity of marriage that has Felicity up and leaving mid-entree because there is no coming back from homophobia. Sean spends the entire two hour meal talking about how much in love he is with his ex-wife and Felicity is pretty sure she's convinced him to reconcile with his wife by the end of the date.

Logan seems promising. They'd exchanged a series of emails about the benefits of linux based servers and the perils of online dating, somehow miraculously making it to their third date without any incidents.

"How did the date go last night?" Oliver asks her the following morning when she doesn't volunteer any information.

"Alright," she says, her voice dropping a little.

"Will there be another?" Oliver asks cautiously.

"Ummm," she hums. "I don't think so.

"What happened? Did he lick your face?"

Felicity smiles, shaking her head before her face falls into a frown, "No, it's just. He told me he never wants kids."

"And you do?" Oliver asks, his voice taking on a tone she can't quite place.

"Yeah, sure," Felicity says. "I mean, not right now. But, maybe, someday when my life is a little less hectic. I'd at least like to have the option."

"Sorry," is all Oliver says, giving her a commiseratory smile.

She shrugs. "No bid deal. Plenty of fish in the sea," she says and Oliver nods along because that's what friends do when things are looking grim.

When Oliver and Sara's relationship fizzles out for reasons neither of them seem keen on sharing, Sara insists on a girl's night out, refusing to take no for an answer. They bar hop throughout all of downtown Starling City, ending up at a dive frequented by hipsters where they run into Whitman, a barista from Felicity's favorite coffee shop that she'd been flirting with for months.

"Wait, the guy that always gives you the extra shot for free?" Diggle asks from his place behind the steering wheel, making eye contact with her in the review mirror.

"That's the one," Felicity says. "Sara dared me to go up and talk to him. And I don't know if you've met Sara, but yeah, do _not_ try to tell that girl no."

"Where are the quarterly reports?" Oliver asks her, holding up the tablet in his hands. Both Oliver and Sara seem to be taking the break-up remarkably well. Sara drunkenly telling her that 'there was destiny and then there was _destiny_,' drawing out the last syllable like it means something; which it doesn't, at least not to Felicity. But she doesn't push Sara into explaining any further, because Oliver and Sara have made it clear they are still friends, still a team, and that's all that matters to Felicity.

"There," she says, swiping her finger on the correct document before turning her attention back to Diggle. "Anyway, Whitman was great. Super intelligent, funny. We had a very promising discussion about Shakespeare."

"What is it with you and Shakespeare?" Oliver ask distractedly.

Felicity ignores him, "Just when I think I might have finally met a decent guy he says the following—and this is a direct quote: 'I don't believe in computers.'"

"It's possible to _not_ believe in computers?" Diggle snorts, his short bark of laughter telling her he doesn't understand the components of the statement.

"According to Whitman, it's is. He had this whole lecture about how technology is ruining the world and no one should own computers," Felicity says, shaking her head.

"Whitman? What kind of a name is _Whitman_?" Oliver wonders aloud.

"The kind of name that belongs to somebody who still uses a flip phone," Felicity says as she slumps back into the plush leather seats.

Then comes Adam and he takes the cake for odd pre-date requests by sending her an email asking her to get tested and would she mind 'bringing the results' to their first date.

"Listen," Felicity say, throwing up a hand. "I'm all about safe sex."

"Do I even want to know?" Diggle asks, sliding into the booth as he snags one of Felicity's fries.

"My point is," Felicity continues, ignoring Diggle completely. "That it's a little presumptuous to assume we're going to be having sex at all. We haven't even been on our first date yet and he wants me to bring my tests results?"

"I can't remember the last time I was tested," Roy say absentmindedly, staring down at his burger.

"Don't tell her that," Oliver groans. "Or she'll have you being tested every other week despite assuring her that you haven't been sexually active in the interim time."

"Oliver, you'll thank me someday," Felicity says with wave of her burger. "And I don't keep track of what you do with your private life, therefore it just makes more sense to have regularly scheduled testing."

"A psychologist would have a field day with you two," Diggle mutters, stealing another fry from Felicity.

"Why would you need to be tested?" Oliver turns to Roy, leveling him with a glare. "You've been in a committed relationship with my sister, haven't you?"

"Yea, of course," Roy says, shrinking back a little. "Just thinking out loud."

"Wait, did you say a guy you haven't been on date with yet wanted you to bring your test results proving you were clean?" Diggle asks, confused. "Where do you meet these guys?"

"At least this one is responsible," Oliver says, taking a sip of his milkshake before continuing. "Remember 'I don't do condoms' Larry. What an ass."

"Where _do_ I meet these guys?" Felicity asks, her eyes out of focus as she contemplates the question.

Because really, she's not trying to only date disappointments. And maybe if she was being honest with herself she'd admit to being a little too hard on some of her dates. Maybe Brian wasn't the most cultured man, but he was nice and made her laugh. Ethan wasn't so bad either; she was particularly fond of the way he had fucked her against a wall, but had been less than thrilled with his lack of personal hygiene. Ron could keep up with her intellectually, but had made fun of her babbling which had felt like a pretty big deal at the time.

"But none of them had that—"

"Spark?" Sara finishes.

"Yeah," Felicity says, grabbing the last piece of pizza as she leans back against her couch, watching Sara paint her toenails. "Maybe I'm asking too much."

"Are you sure you've never met anyone like that?" Sara asks, pausing to turn and look at her. "Someone that has that spark? Someone that gets you? All of you?"

Felicity can only shrug, wishing Sara wasn't giving her such a knowing look; too much is being said without a single word and Felicity knows it's a gateway to a path she'd long ago diverted from. Because it isn't too hard to pick up what Sara is getting at, even if it is breaking their unspoken rule about not discussing a certain hood wearing friend of theirs. Sara had long ago made it clear that no matter what, Felicity was her friend, regardless of either of their histories with Oliver. Felicity had only been too happy to return the sentiment.

But this? Sara trying to get her to talk about Oliver? It's new territory for them. One that scares her a little, because she can't go there. Can't open that door again, not when it would only lead to heartbreak. The fact that Sara seems to have spotted the unrequited crush she has tried so hard to stamp out bothers her; leaves her wondering who else has noticed.

So when Barry Allen finally wakes up from his coma and has had enough time to adjust to his new found abilities, Felicity doesn't hesitate to get on a train, sending him a text that she's ready to take him up on that offer for a date.

Oliver wishes her luck before she goes and she can't help but wonder if she's going to need it. This date feels like a 'make it or break it' moment in a way that terrifies her.

Their date is everything she'd ever wanted. They literally close down the restaurant, an annoyed waiter tapping them on the shoulder to let them know they're about to lock up for the night, so lost in conversation that they hadn't realized time was even passing. They walk the streets of Central City, lost in each other's brilliance, pausing to kiss under a streetlamp in a way that has Felicity's hopes soaring.

But when Barry interrupts her waxing poetically about the benefits of his new speed in the bedroom the following morning, she knows it was all a little too good to be true.

"Are we really going to do this?" he asks, sitting up to rest his back against the headboard, giving her a lazy smile. "Date? Long distance? All of it?"

"I could be persuaded," she says, grinning as she twists in the sheets to push herself up, leaning into him to drop a kiss on his lips. "Especially if you keep doing that thing with your tongue on super speed."

He smiles against her mouth, before leaning his head back, his tone suddenly serious. "Felicity, is it really the best decision? For two people in love with other people to get into a relationship together? Is that fair to either of us?"

That's all he needed to say to break the illusion she'd been constructing since she texted him. Because Barry, being Barry, always saw more than she wanted. So she slinks away to lick her wounds, spending the whole train ride back to Starling trying to forget his words.

No one asks her about her date with Barry, some sort of nonverbal communication telling them it's not a subject open for discussion. One by one, Felicity cancels all her subscriptions to the various dating sites she'd joined; deciding to take a break from the dating world until she can figure out her own head. She finally comes to terms with the fact that yes, she had been on some pretty odd dates, but the unchanging variable is her; how can she find a solution when she's the problem?

Then Slade Wilson happens and all bets seem to be off; the bone crushing hug Oliver gives her when she's finally released from Slade's clutches telling her everything has changed. She's not the least bit surprised when he shows up at her apartment that night, not even bothering to talk, just pushing her back inside as he gathers her up in his arms, his mouth moving over hers before she can even catch her breath.

"Near death experiences are horrible reasons to start a relationship," Felicity can't help but point out as she pulls his t-shirt off.

"I don't care," Oliver says, working at her bra strap.

And there really isn't anything left to say, not until the following morning when a deliciously worn out Felicity suggests they get breakfast.

"Sounds good," Oliver says, collecting his clothes from her floor, pulling a discarded condom wrapper off his jeans. "But it's not a date."

"What?" Felicity says, freezing.

"Yeah, no dates. If we're going to do this, make this work, then you and I will never be going on a date," Oliver says, pulling on his t-shirt.

"Why not?" Felicity says, trying not to let her disappointment show.

"Because," Oliver say, annoyed. "For as long as I've known you, you've never had a successful date."

"That's not—"

"All right, let me rephrase that," he cuts her off. "You've never had a successful relationship and they always seem to go downhill during dates. So no dates for us because we're going to be your success story."

"Oh," she says, rocking back on her heels as she blinks up at him. "Okay."

"Now get dressed," he says, gesturing toward her closet. "I'm starving. Let me take you on our first non-date."


End file.
